Thursday, 13 June 2013

Shattered pieces of my glass palace...

[For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and neither are My ways your ways, declares the Lord] Isaiah 55:8

As someone who likes order, and organization....I do NOT cope well when things don't go according to plan. Well, my plan that is. God has an amazing way of stripping us of everything we depend on in order to show us we need to depend on HIM more.  As a young teen I depended on me. I depended on my ability to keep things as they should be. God has slowly over the years begun to shatter my ideas of how my life will go. In the midst of the shattering dreams, its felt, cruel, and painful - But as I step over the pieces of broken glass and move forward...I have always been able to look back over my shoulder and see something beautiful. Beyond my own comprehension or imagination.

 Its almost like my dreams and ideas are built as a murky old greenhouse which I am trapped inside. I think that I have dreamt up an amazing life....To me, its a glass me, its PERFECT - but compared to what God has in store, its just a shabby old greenhouse that I cant see out of for all the dirt on the glass. As God shatters this 'palace' I think I built.... panel by panel, I feel angry, hurt and devastated - that's my dream! How dare He shatter it! But when I take the time to look back over those shattered dreams...they aren't what I see... I suddenly can see beyond them.... I can see out of the murky old shabby greenhouse.... and the view from breathtaking. Never, while the sound of glass shattering was resounding around me, did I ever think such beauty could be the result.

 Some examples? I thought I would be a career woman... build wealth, get married, be the ideal wife, have some kids...easy peasy! Wrong!!

Shattered dream #1 - I am FAR from a career woman. I was drawn into the Ministry 7 years ago...God placed a calling on my life, and little did I know that I would be here - working long hours, in an amazing but trying ministry, for no money. 'Living by faith' - I have now let go of any dreams of having material 'wealth' - But the BEAUTIFUL view from here, is that, I feel wealthier than I thought possible, God has taught me to trust in Him to provide for my every need, which has given me an opportunity to see some amazing miracles of provision! I find 'living by faith' very exciting, knowing that God is going to blow my mind daily in how He decides to bless and provide! I also get to wake up every morning and do something I am passionate about, and I get to see children come to know God! AWESOME beauty!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding!" Proverbs 3:5

Shattered dream #2 - Be the ideal wife?! HA!!!! I knew I wouldn't be perfect... But I expected a LOT more from myself. And this stems from, way before we even got married really. Even the simplest girlfriend tasks seemed impossible for me and BOY was I angry at myself. Frustrated. I could not hold hands without being agitated, I could not hug Jonny without withdrawing. I barely could hold eye contact. But I knew this was the man God had picked out for me....why couldn't it be plain sailing? Why did God need to shatter these dreams? How was I supposed to marry someone that I could barely endure physical contact with? (through no fault of his). I did not imagine my relationship to be like this. It was very hard. As a result I spent months in agony over whether it was right to marry him, and I even broke up with him. It was a painful period. I could see the situation hurting him too. But the BEAUTIFUL view from here is that, through Jonny I was able to catch a glimpse of Gods deep love for me. Jonny's love for me seemed never ending. His patience taught me so much. But even more than this, God brought me so much healing through the whole situation. Healing I never even knew I needed. God knew I needed Jonny. God knew I needed healing. Each day I am married to this incredible man, I love him more. My father-in-law told me this would happen! I cannot believe how very blessed I am...every day he shows me Jesus in his actions & words. He treats me like a princess - reminding me that I am indeed, a daughter of the King!

Shattered dream #3 - Have a bunch of kids. This particular pane in my glass 'palace' is shattering in front of me as I write this. I am still not fully able to see the beautiful view... but I catch glimpses! They say ingnorance is bliss. I agree. Before October, I dreamt I would one day get pregnant...then nine months later hold a beautiful perfect child in my arms. However, twice now we have gotten pregnant, become very elated....and several weeks later, had our dreams shattered. A few more times we have gotten pregnant and not even had time to get excited, because no sooner had we found out, then we lost them. My dreams of how 'having children' would work, have been ripped from me...and as a result, I struggle to get excited in pregnancy, I just get overcome with fear. The emotional pain I have experienced in miscarriage is so much deeper than I ever thought possible. Its a cut that runs deep, and the loss leaves a void every time. Each one has left me feeling paralyzed thinking I cant possibly move past the ache. But the glimpses of BEAUTIFUL view I see is that God picks me up EVERY time....even when I feel like I can never get up again. Each loss has made me more aware of my need to surrender them to God. To surrender my desire for children, and to say 'Your will be done' - the ability to do this, is one of the most beautiful things God has taught me. Another beautiful glimpse from here is how the miscarriages have made us draw near to each other and God. I have felt more secure in my marriage with Jonny with every loss. Because in those losses I have had to depend on him in a way that is not natural to me. God is forcing me to let Jonny be my love and support...Oh how grateful I am!

I cannot pretend that I am not hurting. But I can say that I KNOW God will bring beauty from this...and though I cannot see it now, I know better than to try and rebuild my glass palace, because it will only be a shabby greenhouse next to Gods plans. I trust in his unfailing love....I rely on it. Depend on it.

I think I have learnt now.... that having my dreams shattered, is not such a bad thing. Though its excruciating in the moment.I am learning that when devastation occurs in my life, I can count on God building something BEAUTIFUL from the rubble.

"For I know the plans I have for you, Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11